How to stop putting others down?

If you started noticing that you are tearing people apart with criticism, frequently point out their minor faults and ridicule them for any mistakes they make, make fun of their flaws it might be a good time to stop and reflect on your actions and their effect of your life and the lives of others. It’s worse if you weren’t the one to notice this, but someone else told you about your destructive attitude.

Regardless, if your case happens to be that of an abusive belittler, a covert narcissist, or an uncontrollably passive- or active-aggressive person, you might want to reconsider and change your attitude, for the sake of healthier relationships, at least. Granted, you’re not actually surrounded by overly-sensitive people who gaslight you into feeling ashamed for your assertiveness and for the curiosity, which might lead you to step somewhat out of line.

And differentiating between those two can be very tough. Particularly, just like you will not be objectively assessing your assertiveness towards others, unwillingly crossing into the stubborn and downright aggressive territory, others might have a hard time owning up to their mistakes, and take any criticism as an attack on their identity. I write this article in an attempt to clarify the difference and help to be as objective as possible in identifying the reasons behind such mutual misunderstandings.

Putting others down in a way is a more active version of looking down on others, which I wrote about earlier, and so to fight it’s external manifestations, you could use many of the same (and some additional) principles:

• non-judgemental communication – to develop a good habit of having a better way of expressing yourself and connecting with others,
• put yourself in other’s shoes to develop empathy,
• practice regular meditation and mindfulness to keep a calm mind, the isn’t feeding off of negativity,
• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg,
• more importantly, if you take effort to acquire self-knowledge, look into reasons behind your tendency to put others down, you yourself will find the way to take control of your aggression and channel it into more productive endeavors, than attacking and belittling others.

Putting others down: the more aggressive version of “looking down” and it’s negative effect

While looking down on others takes a more introverted approach of holding condescending opinions of people and seeing yourself as a superior, putting others down is a clear extroverted counterpart. In case of genuinely making fun of people’s inadequacies, ridiculing them for past failures, or taking more passive-aggressive, but similarly degrading and hostile approaches, you’re not just holding any negative thoughts, you’re sharing them very actively, trying to instill the negative thoughts and feelings in others.

They both share the same harmful effects, described in the previous article, but direct attempts at putting other people down go two steps further:

• you are now creating enemies and planting hatred towards you into your victims,
• you also share your negativity and spread it around, like someone willingly trying to transmit infectious disease.

Those actions create damage to your reputation and to people, targeted by your hostility.

Of course, such aggressive behavior can be reactionary – the result of your environment. When you are surrounded by “not the friendliest people” in the world, and the most aggressive one gets to be at the top, and gentleness of character would get you thrown into the bottom of the hierarchy, your hostility could be justified. But just as justified (and perhaps actually more so) would be to get out of such a vicious circle.

Reasons behind putting other people down

The underlying reasons, which cause someone to engage in bullying are plenty, here’s a list of some common ones, to give you and idea:

• Childhood trauma: growing up in a dysfunctional environment, having adverse childhood experience can leave an imprint, which can cause the “inner models” of your parents or siblings, who were a danger to protect yourself from during childhood, to extend into adult life, where they aren’t useful. In adult life, those models can cause you to have many shapes and variations of maladaptive behaviors, which echo those, taught to you by a hostile upbringing.
• Low Self-Esteem: if you get others to feel as low and oppressed as you do you reduce the tragedy of your life and get to be at least not as miserably relatively to others. If you put down others low enough, you might even get to feel superior to others, which is a “bonus”, in a way, even if it can be enjoyed only very shortly. You can also gain attention that way, and regardless if it’s a negative one, it still is something, that people with low self-esteem crave.
• Being victimized and put down by others: getting bullied by someone stronger may hurt you, and to get a self-esteem boost you could attempt to do similar damage to someone, who is weaker than you. Temporary fix of increased confidence could become addictive and when bullying is done frequently enough – it becomes a habit.
• Lack of Empathy: some people aren’t gifted enough to be able to understand the feelings and emotions of others. They could just be “probing” the limits of what they can do, and when no explicit resistance is met, they just abuse weaknesses to get ahead, without ever stopping to think of the damage they do, potentially not even realizing any harm is done. They also might have low emotional intelligence, which would make things even worse, for they have a very hard time controlling their outbursts.
• Manipulation: psychology behind belittling others is very similar to gaslighting. If you can convince others that they are too sensitive and all of your criticism and attacks are objective and aren’t aimed at putting them down – you gain control over them, in a way.
• Attempt to fit into the group: degrading others might get certain people to like you, and if you want to please those malignant individuals, then it might be your reason.
• Underlying mental health issues: the psychology of people who put others down has a few interesting examples:
  • Narcissism, especially closet narcissistic personality disorder – narcissists are people who need spotlight and attention at the expense of everyone else, but less known is the “implicit” case of a narcissist, who is actually afraid of the spotlight but is just as self-absorbed and condescending could be a surprise discovery. Narcissists like to manipulate others, so putting people down can be used as a way to convince someone into performing actions according to the narcissist’s will.
  • Inferiority complex – a phenomenon studied by Alfred Adler, the result of an unsatisfied striving for superiority, which in the worst case could cause you to step over others.
  • Repressed unconscious desires and impulses – Carl Jung has extensively studied the human psyche and the effect the unconscious mind has on human consciousness – how anything that went past the radars of perception (but still implanted itself in the area of the mind beyond your explicit attention and consciousness) could have a profound effect on your actions, moods, and thoughts.

How to stop putting people around me down?

If you believe with a degree of certainty, that you are putting others down, and have noticed how you degrade and attack people for no other reason than out of habit, or because it’s enjoyable, or to gain affirmation or attention in certain circles, but still decided to make the change for the better – you already are on the right track.

Even if you haven’t been the first one to notice all of that, but received the unpleasant feedback from someone else, you still can be the loving person you imagine yourself to be. At this point, the change is just a matter of digging through your history, your mind and changing some habits.

1. The general advice

The general advice is similar to that from the previous article about the cousin of this affliction:

• take the perspective of others, putting yourself in their shoes;
• practice daily mindfulness and meditation;
• accept yourself, with all your flaws and imperfections;
• be nice to people from the service industry you meet frequently, like cashiers, waiters, etc.;
• try volunteering;
• get into the mindset of positivity and being happy for someone, who shares their accomplishments with you;
• let go of the self-absorbed thinking approach and adopt the objective one:

Self-absorbed approach	Approach of objectivity
sees self as center of life	sees self as participant in life
negativity	let go of position and be nonjudgmental
be ‘right’	be happy
controlling others	teaching others
insists	requests
demands things to be a certain way	prefers things to be a certain way

2. Non-judgemental and Nonviolent communication

We’ve discussed the non-judgemental communication before, and it is a great approach to interacting with people, especially if you’re being overly aggressive and hostile unwittingly, or your genuine, concerned criticism is met with recoil and offense – being extra diplomatic, when dealing with topics, which might be sensitive to some people is always a good idea.

Nonviolent communication was developed by Marshall Rosenberg, which is based on the belief that all people have the capacity for empathy and compassion, and only become violent when they do not see any better alternative when trying to meet their needs. It is based on 4 components: Observation, Feelings, Needs and Request; and 3 models: Self-empathy, Receiving empathically, and Expressing honestly. It uses those components and models to develop a habit of seeking compromises and win-win solutions for any potentially conflicting situation.

	Component description	Self-empathy model (Conscious intention to connect with Self)	Receiving empathically model (Conscious intention to connect with Other)	Expressing honestly model (Conscious intention to connect with Other)
Observation component	A description of what is happening, perceived by our senses	What happened? (facts only)	When you hear, see, taste, touch, smell, or remember …	When I hear, see, taste, touch, smell, or remember …
Feelings component	Emotions and physical sensations	How am I feeling now about it?	do you feel …	I feel …
Needs component	Resources, required to sustain and enrich life	What do I need now?	because you need (value) …	because I need (value) …
Request component	Request for a concrete action, not a demand	What might be my present request for connection or action?	would you like: 1) me to tell you how i feel? 2) me to tell you what I heard you say?	Would you be willing to: 1) tell me how you feel, hearing what i just said? 2) tell me what you heard me say?

3. Covert narcissist

Research into the difference between covert and overt narcissists, done on a sample group of undergraduate students, shows that overt narcissists tend to feel better about themselves and accomplish more – their attempts at getting power over others makes them more confident in their abilities. Their covert counterparts aren’t as successful. People with a closet narcissistic personality, whose main issue is fear of spotlight, and who take distinctively indirect routes to get their desired attention and admiration have shown a negative association with self-esteem and self-efficacy.

The few approaches to getting the hold of your inner narcissist include:

• Stop abusing humility-signaling: have you noticed, how often do you drop the “humblebrag“? Do you disingenuously disguise a boastful statement as self-depreciation? Do you complain about how much travel do you have to endure (due to the high importance of your job, of course)? That is a habit you might want to avoid.
• Stop excessively bragging about your accomplishments: we all like to talk about ourselves and our accomplishments, but you could be feeding your need for adoration and your inner narcissist this way.
• Complain less: frequently whining about how things aren’t good enough, without offering the solutions and actually following through with solving those problems, seems like a way of instilling the superiority of your standards in the minds of other people. Being a snob is a sure way to developing a hostile and self-absorbed personality.
• Don’t engage in gossip: as much as morbid details about someone else’s lives could be strangely fascinating, tempting you to absorb rumors, or even spread them – you’re not getting anything out of it. Except for some wasted time, which was spent indulging in evil, malicious degrading talks about other people.
• Let go of the grudges: even if your narcissism is more covert, and instead of picking a screaming fight over perceived insults, you choose to give the offender a “cold shoulder”, you still are empowering the negative side of your mind, and letting it control of you.
• Stop being a pleaser: narcissists actually will walk the extra mile to please someone they admire. This addiction to positive attention and recognition from your personal idols is only meant as a means to get the temporary fix from hidden insecurity.

4. Alfred Adler: inferiority complex and striving for superiority

Alfred Adler, a student of Sigmund Freud, chose a different approach to study psychology than his two more famous contemporaries: Freud and Carl Jung. Adler’s focus was that on the conscious mind, with the unconscious component being not of the primary importance (although its influence was recognized by him).

The concept of “inferiority complex” and “striving for superiority” were developed by Adler. He observed, that each socially-interested individual had an impulse, causing him to strive for excellence in some field of knowledge while overcoming any obstacles. The withdrawn people, on the other hand, were operating under the pressure of the inferiority complex – the belief that they need to be above others (in wealth, status, or skill), in order to be successful.

It is possible to see, how maladaptive extremes could convince someone, that overcoming obstacles means stepping over people on the road to success, and that the “real” success can only be achieved when you are in the position of power over others.

To avoid becoming the victim of such a pattern you must learn how to face up to the real challenges. That might mean working hard to improve yourself, your skill, get better knowledge and understanding of yourself and your area of expertise.

You would also have to take a look at what kind of self-ideal you have adopted, as it may not be conducive to a healthy and happy life – you could be striving for something unattainable, maybe you’ve fallen for perfectionism.

You need to become aware of what you are striving for.

You also need to become courageous, once you adjust your self-ideal. Because overt aggression, hostility toward others could very well hide deep insecurity and fear. Courage, on the other hand, will make you able to stand up to important challenges and obstacles in life, even during its fear-inducing, stressful moments.

5. Passive-aggressive vs. active-aggressive personality

Passive-aggressive attitude is a masked anger, disguised behind snarky remarks and snide comments, it is an angry smile. Active-aggressive behavior is direct, unveiled, and momentary – oftentimes aggressive person will act on an impulse and regret their violent outburst later. Passive-aggressive behavior is more deliberate, despite being less direct.

The healthy alternative to both is assertiveness, which lies just in the Goldilocks area, between both of these extremes. And, in order to combat your hostile tendencies, you need to learn to be assertive. The table below is going to get you started on your way to assertiveness, outlining the main difference between it and the maladaptive extremes:

The Withdrawn Passive-aggressive Person	The Assertive Person	The Aggressive Person
Is afraid to speak up	Speaks openly	Interrupts and talks over others
Speaks softly	Uses a conversational tone	Speaks loudly
Avoids looking at people	Makes good eye contact	Glares and stares at others
Shows little or no expression	Shows expression which matches the message	Intimidates by using expressions
Slouches and withdraws	Relaxes and adopts an open stance and expressions	Stands rigidly, crosses arms, invades the personal space of others
Isolates self from groups	Participates in Groups	Controls groups
Agrees with others despite personal feelings	Keeps to the point	Only considers own feelings and/or makes demands of others
Values self less than others	Values self equal to others	Values self more than others
Hurts self to avoid hinting others	Tries to hurt no one [including self]	Hurts others to avoid being hurt
Does not reach goals and may not even know goals	Usually reaches goals without hurting others	Reaches goals but hurts others in the process
You’re okay, I’m not	I’m okay, you’re okay	I’m okay, you’re not
Suck it up	Clear Messages	Explosive
Hold it in	“I” Statements	Arrogant
Subtle Manipulation	Well Respected	Manipulative
Guilt	Self-Accepting	Self-Absorbed
Shame	Self-Aware	Threatening
Low Self-Esteem	Self-Confident	Low Consideration of Others
Powerless	Powerful	Tyrannical/Out of Control
Latent Hostility	Comfortable	Hostile
Weak Boundaries	Well Defined	Overbearing
Passive	Active	Attacking
“Door Mats”	Content	Dominant
Needs Acceptance	Self-Sufficient	Needs Power

6. Carl Jung: conscious, unconscious mind and the Shadow

Carl Jung in his psychological practice and research has paid special attention to the unconscious – the area of your mind, or psyche, which lies beyond the spotlight of your conscious attention. It is the same area, where the thought has disappeared into, while it was clear in your head just moments ago, as you were about to say it. It is also the area, where thoughts, ideas, and events can settle unnoticed, and manifest themselves later in your life, influencing your actions and decision, causing what C. Jung referred to as “neuroses”.

Whenever some repressed idea or desire sits in the corners of your unconscious mind, it has a chance to introduce a “psychic imbalance”. And as an act of balancing out the conscious and unconscious mind, the disturbance caused by the repressed idea in the unconscious will spill out, and cause you to act out in an undesirable manner in your conscious life.

Jung used dreams as guides and messengers from the unconscious and studied the dream symbolism, to decipher the cryptic dream messages, and figure out causes of the psychological disturbance. Dream analysis and journaling could prove to be a great tool in gaining self-knowledge. The best book to introduce yourself to Jungian psychology would be his last book Man and His Symbols, which he co-authored with several assistant psychologists in an attempt to explain his school of psychology to a wide audience.

Regardless of what is the cause for your compulsion to put down others, and how far are you on your way to freeing yourself from hostile impulses, if you’ve already made the decision to change for the better, there is nothing holding you back – keep moving forward!